Humor Lelang (Mati Ketawa ala Pengadaan)

January 25, 2010 by  

Artikel ini ada pada kategori Pengadaan - Pengadaan Barang Jasa

Jangan terlalu serius ah kalau jadi panitia lelang, mending kita “heureuy” aja deh dengan bercanda dan humor ala pengadaan barang jasa.

Dilarang Menggugurkan pada saat pembukaan

Dalam suatu acara pembukaan penawaran pada suatu pengadaan barang jasa di instansi kesehatan, terjadi perdebatan seru;

Panitia 1 (dr. Endang. Sp.OG)  : Peserta A kami gugurkan karena tidak memenuhi persyaratan teknis.

Peserta lelang : Mohon maaf bapak dan ibu panitia, setahu kami dalam acara pembukaan penawaran, panitia tidak boleh menggugurkan penawaran, cukup diberi catatan saja apabila ada kekurangan.

Panitia 2 (dr. Edy. Sp.B) : siapa bilang pak, kalau memang tidak memungkinkan untuk diteruskan, ya digugurkan saja… kasihan donk nanti…

Peserta lelang; itu di keppres 80 ada pak dokter…

Panitia 1 (dr. Endang. Sp.OG): Sebentar pak kami berdiskusi dahulu dengan panitia lainnya.

Ketua Panitia (dr. Laruen. Sp.A) : Baiklah… kami mohon maaf, pernyataan tadi kami koreksi, ternyata dalam keppres 80/2003 tidak boleh menggugurkan pada saat pembukaan,mohon maaf karena kami panitia ini semuanya adalah dokter kandungan maka hal ini berbeda dengan kebiasaan praktek sehari-hari kami, sehingga kami beri catatan saja di “medical record” eh di lelang record yang ada, demikian terima kasih.

Begitulah kalau lelang pengadaan alat-alat medis dilakukan di salah satu Rumah Sakit Bersalin yang panitianya semuanya berprofesi sebagai dokter spesialis terkait kandungan 🙂

Keterangan:

Sp.OG : Spesialis Obstetri & Ginekologi (kebidanan dan kandungan)

Sp.A : Spesialis Anak

Sp.B : Spesialis Bedah

===========

Sertifikat Pengadaan

Kepala Dinas : Dul… kamu kok tidak ikut diklat dan ujian pengadaan barang jasa kemarin rame-rame dengan yang lainnya, kamu kan sertifikatnya cuman L-2, L-2 angkatan lama lagi, tahun kapan tuh kamu ikut ujian dulu?

Dul: Tenang pak…

Kepala Dinas: kok tenang aja… panitia bersertifikat di kantor kita kan sedikit nih, kamu kan andalan saya nih sebagai panitia lelang, kalau kamu jadi penitia terus tapi masa laku sertifikatnya habis, kalau ketauan peserta lelang bisa disanggah habis-habisan tuh

Dul: Tenang aja pak…

Kepala Dinas: Tenang aja… tenang aja bagaimana Dul?

Dul: Tenang ajah, bapak ini gimana sih, makanya buka-buka heldi.net (baca: internet) donk… Tenang Aja… nanti juga diperpanjang otomatis sama LKPP 🙂

Kepala Dinas: halah… Dul… Dul… sana kamu ikut ujian diluar saja, nih saya kasih buat biaya ujiannya. 🙂

==========

Pejabat Semua

Tahukah anda di instansi mana yang sebagian besar karyawannya adalah “pejabat” dan hanya sedikit saja yang menjadi staf pada instansi tersebut, sehingga lebih banyak pejabatnya dari pada pelaksanannya?

Nyerah??!! Mau tahu jawabannya…

Jawabannya?

Di ULP (Unit Layanan Pengadaan), hampir semua karyawannya menjadi Pejabat Pengadaan untuk hampir semua instansi di lingkungannya, bahkan ada yang menjadi Pejabat Pembuat Komitmen juga, so hampir semua karyawan di ULP itu pejabat 🙂

====

Lagu Tender

Agus: Eh Bro… untuk tahun 2010 ini materi ujian sertifikasi ahli pengadaan barang jasa akan ditambah dengan ujian praktek…

Bambang: Ujian praktek, praktek apaan? praktek pengadaan? kaya simulasi aanwijzing, pembukaan, dsb begitu?

Agus: Bukan Bro…

Bambang: terus ujian praktek apa dunk?

Agus: Ujian praktek menyanyi lagu wajib pengadaan barang jasa, harus hapal itu… kalau mau lulus ujian sertifikasi ahli pengadaan… kamu dah hapal belum?

Bambang: Praktek Menyanyi lagu wajib pengadaan? emang ada tuh? ngarang kamu ah… lagu apaan tuh?

Agus: Ahhh… dasar kamu kurang gaul… makanya jadi panitia jangan serius melulu… mau tau lagunya? itu tuh lagu lama dari elvis presley…

Love me Tender

Love me tender,
Love me sweet,

Love me tender,
Love me true,

Love me tender,
Love me long,

Love me tender,
Love me dear,

Bambang: …@#$%^&^%$#… kacau ah.. dasar panitia lelang pencinta tender…

======

Kabayan Ikut Lelang

Pada suatu hari Kabayan pergi ke Balaikota dan bertanya kepada petugas pelelangan;

Kabayan: Bos apa betul disini sedang ada pelelangan motor.

Panitia : Benar sekali Kabayan, apa kang Kabayan mau ikut lelang.

Kabayan: Wah kebetulan sekali nih, boleh deh saya ikut lelang.

Panitia: Kalau begitu silahkan diisi formulir pendaftarannya dan kalau bisa pakta integritasnya langsung di tanda tangani juga, jangan lupa ini dokumen lelang nya dibawa sekalian.

Kabayan: Wah terima kasih, baik bener nih karyawan pemkot Bogor 🙂

Kabayan: Sudah nih diisi.. kemudian dimana nih saya bisa lihat motornya? apa ada motor merk Honda tahun 2000-an? Kondisinya masih baguskan?

Panitia: Maksudnya kabayan?

Kabayan: Iyah… kalau lelang motorkan bisa dilihat-lihat dulu kondisi motornya, biasanya dipajang di lapangan gituh loh…

Panitia: Kabayan… Kabayan… ini lelang motor maksudnya pemkot mau beli motor, bukan lelang motor hasil tarikan dari kredit macet….

Kabayan: oohhh… pengadaan toh… ???!!!

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  59. Sonja says:

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  60. Building materials can come from all over
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  61. Pedro says:

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  62. These merchandise is top-quality, so that you
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  63. For people who spend lots of hours with the food prep, rubber flooring may give you a more body-friendly option. Registry
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  64. Jarred says:

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  65. These items are top-quality, so that you will never be sacrificing features or performance.

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  66. Rickie says:

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  67. Nathaniel says:

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  71. Angeles says:

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    Try by using a different hue of paint that accents the key colour of
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  72. Kiara says:

    Building materials can come from all of over the world to make it on the local diy box store.
    Registry Cleaners: A registry scanner can be a software utility
    built to supply with a Microsoft Windows operating system.
    There may be lots of people who cannot push through using a simple home improvement because of insufficient funding.

  73. Latanya says:

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    through the Mediterranean. A great home improvement to create is
    to add French doors or sliding glass doors. There are very lots of people who cannot proceed with a simple
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  74. Injecting colour, pattern and texture to some room is most beneficial and
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    Changing your window blinds is often a great DIY
    do it yourself project that is also a simple way to include
    a fresh look and tidy up the windows.

  75. Mark says:

    Building materials can come all around the globe to restore on the local home improvement box store.
    Registry Cleaners: A registry cleaner is a software utility made to be used on the Microsoft Windows operating system.
    Hanging artificial plants and plants and artificial plants on pots are also available
    that you should choose from.

  76. For people who spend a great deal of hours in the kitchen, rubber
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  77. Osvaldo says:

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  78. An ugly door will derail a possible sale very quickly.
    Try by using a different color of paint that accents the primary
    colour of the room, or use contrasting wallpaper.
    This can get rid of the dirt and grime, making your floors look gleaming and new.

  79. Newton says:

    Bathrooms are one other a part of the home that can be incredibly pricey and time consuming.
    Is the flashing (Metal where roof meets home) secured. Stay minimalistic and prevent making your home resemble a show case.

  80. Building materials can come coming from all over the world
    making it on the local diy box store. Home improvement businesses face
    an original challenge in marketing themselves to potential customers.

    This are certain to get reduce the grime and dirt, making your floors look gleaming and
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  81. Nate says:

    A loft conversion is definitely an inexpensive, creative, and easy technique of enhancing the living
    area which also swells property’s worth. A great home improvement to make is
    to incorporate French doors or sliding glass doors.

    And I actually thought up a solution to replace an old broken plastic hose holder.

  82. These goods are top-quality, so that you will never be sacrificing features or performance.
    Registry Cleaners: A registry cleaner can be a software utility built to be utilized over a Microsoft Windows
    operating system. Switching to cool down the, CFL bulbs will save on cooling costs
    as well.

  83. Pat says:

    Building materials can come coming from all over
    the world to make it to the local diy box store. Combinations of both light and darker colors can be utilized to achieve a classy look.
    There are quite numerous people who cannot push through with a simple do it
    yourself because of insufficient funding.

  84. HerizalAlwi says:

    IIzin share ya Gan

  85. HerizalAlwi says:

    Izin share gan

  86. maruli says:

    hehehe bisa aja..

  87. heldi says:

    Ketawa sendiri ah… Waxaxaxaxaaxixixiaxaxa… 🙂

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