Humor Lelang (Mati Ketawa ala Pengadaan)

January 25, 2010 by  

Artikel ini ada pada kategori Pengadaan - Pengadaan Barang Jasa

Jangan terlalu serius ah kalau jadi panitia lelang, mending kita “heureuy” aja deh dengan bercanda dan humor ala pengadaan barang jasa.

Dilarang Menggugurkan pada saat pembukaan

Dalam suatu acara pembukaan penawaran pada suatu pengadaan barang jasa di instansi kesehatan, terjadi perdebatan seru;

Panitia 1 (dr. Endang. Sp.OG)  : Peserta A kami gugurkan karena tidak memenuhi persyaratan teknis.

Peserta lelang : Mohon maaf bapak dan ibu panitia, setahu kami dalam acara pembukaan penawaran, panitia tidak boleh menggugurkan penawaran, cukup diberi catatan saja apabila ada kekurangan.

Panitia 2 (dr. Edy. Sp.B) : siapa bilang pak, kalau memang tidak memungkinkan untuk diteruskan, ya digugurkan saja… kasihan donk nanti…

Peserta lelang; itu di keppres 80 ada pak dokter…

Panitia 1 (dr. Endang. Sp.OG): Sebentar pak kami berdiskusi dahulu dengan panitia lainnya.

Ketua Panitia (dr. Laruen. Sp.A) : Baiklah… kami mohon maaf, pernyataan tadi kami koreksi, ternyata dalam keppres 80/2003 tidak boleh menggugurkan pada saat pembukaan,mohon maaf karena kami panitia ini semuanya adalah dokter kandungan maka hal ini berbeda dengan kebiasaan praktek sehari-hari kami, sehingga kami beri catatan saja di “medical record” eh di lelang record yang ada, demikian terima kasih.

Begitulah kalau lelang pengadaan alat-alat medis dilakukan di salah satu Rumah Sakit Bersalin yang panitianya semuanya berprofesi sebagai dokter spesialis terkait kandungan 🙂

Keterangan:

Sp.OG : Spesialis Obstetri & Ginekologi (kebidanan dan kandungan)

Sp.A : Spesialis Anak

Sp.B : Spesialis Bedah

===========

Sertifikat Pengadaan

Kepala Dinas : Dul… kamu kok tidak ikut diklat dan ujian pengadaan barang jasa kemarin rame-rame dengan yang lainnya, kamu kan sertifikatnya cuman L-2, L-2 angkatan lama lagi, tahun kapan tuh kamu ikut ujian dulu?

Dul: Tenang pak…

Kepala Dinas: kok tenang aja… panitia bersertifikat di kantor kita kan sedikit nih, kamu kan andalan saya nih sebagai panitia lelang, kalau kamu jadi penitia terus tapi masa laku sertifikatnya habis, kalau ketauan peserta lelang bisa disanggah habis-habisan tuh

Dul: Tenang aja pak…

Kepala Dinas: Tenang aja… tenang aja bagaimana Dul?

Dul: Tenang ajah, bapak ini gimana sih, makanya buka-buka heldi.net (baca: internet) donk… Tenang Aja… nanti juga diperpanjang otomatis sama LKPP 🙂

Kepala Dinas: halah… Dul… Dul… sana kamu ikut ujian diluar saja, nih saya kasih buat biaya ujiannya. 🙂

==========

Pejabat Semua

Tahukah anda di instansi mana yang sebagian besar karyawannya adalah “pejabat” dan hanya sedikit saja yang menjadi staf pada instansi tersebut, sehingga lebih banyak pejabatnya dari pada pelaksanannya?

Nyerah??!! Mau tahu jawabannya…

Jawabannya?

Di ULP (Unit Layanan Pengadaan), hampir semua karyawannya menjadi Pejabat Pengadaan untuk hampir semua instansi di lingkungannya, bahkan ada yang menjadi Pejabat Pembuat Komitmen juga, so hampir semua karyawan di ULP itu pejabat 🙂

====

Lagu Tender

Agus: Eh Bro… untuk tahun 2010 ini materi ujian sertifikasi ahli pengadaan barang jasa akan ditambah dengan ujian praktek…

Bambang: Ujian praktek, praktek apaan? praktek pengadaan? kaya simulasi aanwijzing, pembukaan, dsb begitu?

Agus: Bukan Bro…

Bambang: terus ujian praktek apa dunk?

Agus: Ujian praktek menyanyi lagu wajib pengadaan barang jasa, harus hapal itu… kalau mau lulus ujian sertifikasi ahli pengadaan… kamu dah hapal belum?

Bambang: Praktek Menyanyi lagu wajib pengadaan? emang ada tuh? ngarang kamu ah… lagu apaan tuh?

Agus: Ahhh… dasar kamu kurang gaul… makanya jadi panitia jangan serius melulu… mau tau lagunya? itu tuh lagu lama dari elvis presley…

Love me Tender

Love me tender,
Love me sweet,

Love me tender,
Love me true,

Love me tender,
Love me long,

Love me tender,
Love me dear,

Bambang: …@#$%^&^%$#… kacau ah.. dasar panitia lelang pencinta tender…

======

Kabayan Ikut Lelang

Pada suatu hari Kabayan pergi ke Balaikota dan bertanya kepada petugas pelelangan;

Kabayan: Bos apa betul disini sedang ada pelelangan motor.

Panitia : Benar sekali Kabayan, apa kang Kabayan mau ikut lelang.

Kabayan: Wah kebetulan sekali nih, boleh deh saya ikut lelang.

Panitia: Kalau begitu silahkan diisi formulir pendaftarannya dan kalau bisa pakta integritasnya langsung di tanda tangani juga, jangan lupa ini dokumen lelang nya dibawa sekalian.

Kabayan: Wah terima kasih, baik bener nih karyawan pemkot Bogor 🙂

Kabayan: Sudah nih diisi.. kemudian dimana nih saya bisa lihat motornya? apa ada motor merk Honda tahun 2000-an? Kondisinya masih baguskan?

Panitia: Maksudnya kabayan?

Kabayan: Iyah… kalau lelang motorkan bisa dilihat-lihat dulu kondisi motornya, biasanya dipajang di lapangan gituh loh…

Panitia: Kabayan… Kabayan… ini lelang motor maksudnya pemkot mau beli motor, bukan lelang motor hasil tarikan dari kredit macet….

Kabayan: oohhh… pengadaan toh… ???!!!

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6 Responses to “Humor Lelang (Mati Ketawa ala Pengadaan)”
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  33. HerizalAlwi says:

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